Excerpt from Mr. Duplicity by Sir Ervin Williams
Black Boy Trauma “Trigger Warning”
It feels like the pain of losing a child
Yearly, around the holidays
Memories will collapse into your lap
Take the form of bullets
Penetrate your childhood
Recreate sentences that broke you
Shattered your feelings on the floor
Forces you to make the same decisions
Inheriting generations of bad choices
Passing down, “Tradition,” to your children
Like this is the way to live
Here is Grandpa’s knife
Use it!
Stab your brother in the face
We never go for thier back
“We’re real gangsta’s around here!”
Make him feel like Grandma’s hands
Blocking punches, to save her children
Her daughters virtue, always means more punches
More kicks.
More hate towards her daughters!
How dare they be so pretty?
This life has to be right, Right?
Mama scolding children with violence on her tongue
Daddy absences were felt, and expected
Gangsta’s don’t have a heart, right?
Why couldn’t my sisters not be harmed?
Why did the touch of cousins linger?
Imprinted self-doubt into the skin
Imprinted insecurities through life
Imprinted habits that can’t be shaken
Transformed Memories into Nightmares
Why did I witness evil, in the corridors of my innocence?
When I closed my eyes
I dreamed in terror
I’ve made decisions out of survival
This Can’t BE LIFE!
This CAN’T BE REAL!
This CAN’T BE US!
This is REAL!
THIS IS REAL AND DISAPOINTING!
I would be a liar if I said,
I didn’t find happiness
In the darkness
Where I found myself.
I planted a seed
I prayed over it
Wished it well
I begged me to forgive me
I begged God to forgive it
Screamed at him to fogive us!
How dare he forget me here?
Forgive me God, please.
Tears have a way of saying my truth
Saying how I feel
When I feel it,
But I’m a boy, I am not supposed to feel, right?
I often missed its watering’s
I forgot to give it sun
I sporadically gave it air
Neglected it a few summers
I swore I would come back
Intact and whole again
Love the boy I left in the corners crying
Forgive him for being silent for so long
Nurture him with God’s love
Allow him to breathe again
He deserves mercy
He deserves grace
He was a child
His life started out as guilty
He never found a jury of his peers to
Eradicate his innocence
He freed himself
He unbound himself
Bloody, bruised, and battered
BUT FIGHTING!
Hanging on by a thread
Swinging with everything he got
Feet planted on quicksand
Every time he fight back
He sinks deeper
So he stops fighting
Cause he keeps sinking
Mentally he’s exhausted
Physically he’s abused
Screaming at the noise
Creating more noise
STOP the Noise
PLEASE!
Nothing tangible!
Nothing Real!
Nothing Concreate!
Simply surviving
In pain
In hate
In discontent
In disconnect
In bewilderment
In wonder
In Doubt
Still swinging
Still fighting
Still sinking
But alive
AND
Pretending to be WELL!
“I will be well?”
*Scroll back to the top and read only the words in bold. It’s another poem within this poem. Please leave a comment in the post. Thanks!!!